Divine Babble

Divine Babble

The Web Goddess

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Long overdue post about everything

[May. 1st, 2008|07:18 pm]

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Lately my posts have been very negative and very cryptic. I do apologize for that. I have barely any time for anything I used to do these days. What I miss most of all is my personal time, probably followed by being able to sleep in till noon (now I get up around 4:00am, though that may be changing to around 5:00am).

Personal time allowed me to recharge my batteries. I've been running on empty batteries both physically and emotionally for months now. It can really drive you mad. I haven't been able to do my own artwork since Seth was born (8 months now), and it's taking it's toll.

As far as the other stuff goes, I'll try to explain:

First, in regards to this post. That night all sense of motherly judgment had left the building. I wasn't 'in touch' with my child (hell, I'm barely in touch with anything lately). Had I read the signs properly, I would have seen that he wasn't as tired as I thought he was. If I had let him stay up another half an hour, bedtime probably would have been much less traumatic. But no, I went and put him to bed since I thought 'It's 6:30. He HAS to be tired.'.

Well, I've never heard him cry like he cried when I put him down. I usually let him cry for about 5 minutes because sometimes he drifts off to sleep anyway. If he doesn't, I go in and reassure him, leave (which makes him cry) and try for another 5 minutes. This is a doctor recommended method to teach your child how to go to sleep on their own, while also reassuring them that you're not far away.

I tried this for a half hour, with the worst screaming I have ever heard. You would think someone was in there stabbing him. I've done this method many times before with success. This wasn't something new, but the screaming was.

When I went in the last time, he was desperately clinging to his teddy bear (Rupert) and rocking back and forth in a fetal position. This image is forever burn in my heart and in my brain. It hurt me so bad, I'm now Once Bitten, Five Times Shy. It completely broke me. Against all the usual advice, I picked him up and cuddled him in the rocking chair with his teddy and a bottle. He fell asleep in under 5 minutes.

Two days later, I read an article that it's common for 8 month olds to start suffering from separation anxiety. I'm sure that's what this is. He's been very clingy to me in general lately.

Next, in regards to our being desperately broke. The reason we're so screwed is due to the screwing we got from the trailer. Our moving into the place we're in now hinged upon selling our trailer for at least $25,000. This would have happened if the park manager didn't royally screw us. At NO point during the 9 months we had it on the market did he ever tell us that he wanted to replace it. He shot down one interested buyer after another with the lamest excuses you could ever hear and let us twist in the wind. He was a total ass, but did nothing illegal.

The money from the trailer was supposed to pay off all our debts that weren't normal bills like the mortgage and utilities. If we didn't have loan payments or medical bills, we could afford to live here.

To tell you the truth, I'm amazed we've gone as long as we did without getting into hot water. We've cashed in all our chips and pulled every trick out of our hats. Now we're up against the wall.

Luckily, we have some equity on the house. Come June, we're going to try and refinance, that is if our credit hasn't been completely trashed due to our inability to pay all our bills lately. If we can take out enough money to pay off all our stupid debt, then we'll be in the position we hoped to be in if we had sold the trailer properly.

But like I said, this can only possibly happen in June (mortgage company rule). We have to survive May first and the most immediate threat is the electricity.

Despite all the bad stuff, the Spawn is doing awesome. Today he rolled over from his back to his tummy for the very first time. It made him laugh. He learned how to clap last week, and is expanding his super secret baby babble language (he's got ba, pa, ga and ma sounds down). He's got two lower choppers, and working on the two uppers. He's learning how to pick up food with his finger and thumb and wants to eat everything I do.

It's really cool watching him learn all this stuff. It's amazing all the things we can do that we just take for granted.